


Understanding

by CC99trialanderrorgirl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Boys In Love, Brief Mention of Being Resigned to Death, Canon Compliant, Declarations Of Love, Evil Space Boyfriends who actually show some selflessness, Getting Together, Kissing, M/M, Mild Angst, Post-Starkiller, Surprise Kissing, happy/hopeful ending, no one dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 23:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12352323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CC99trialanderrorgirl/pseuds/CC99trialanderrorgirl
Summary: “You don’t understand,” Hux says again. “My life’s work, wiped away..."Hux is despondent, Kylo tries to help. They both wind up angry, and realizations are made. (Hint: There's kissing.)





	Understanding

“You don’t understand,” Hux says, and Kylo has never seen him so miserable, so defeated. It scares him. For a moment Kylo just watches him, face in his hands, shoulders slumped; his blue eyes, usually so vibrant, are dull and downcast, staring blankly at the floor. They are standing in Hux’s private chamber, and even though the stars are visible outside the viewport, it’s as if Hux doesn’t see a single glimmer; he isn’t interested in conquering the galaxy anymore.

 

Something about Starkiller’s demise has…broken him.

 

Hux sniffles, a soft, shameful sound that he tries to cover up with a cough, and Kylo turns his back, hoping the gesture will make this more comfortable for Hux. Then, he waits.

Finally, Hux speaks, and when he does, there is none of the usual timbre of his Standard Basic accent, nothing of the verve he has always taken such care to imbue into his speeches. He sounds hallow, and something about it kills Kylo, hearing this once proud, almost maniacal man brought so low.

 

“You don’t understand,” Hux says again. “My life’s work, wiped away in an instant, erased from existence, from history…a footnote without any significance.” His voice breaks on that last part, and even though he now has his back to Kylo, staring blindly out into the darkness of space, Kylo can see from his profile that Hux is shaking. Quietly, carefully, Kylo places his hand on Hux’s shoulder. Hux takes a rasping breath and holds himself steady; Kylo can _feel_ the effort it costs him.

 

The room goes silent for a long time as they stay like that, frozen in a tableau of defeat – the cowed General and scarred Knight of Ren, grimly contemplating their fate. Presently, Hux speaks again, and when he does, it almost shatters whatever is left of Ren’s fragile heart to hear it.

 

“You don’t understand,” he says, and Kylo just nods, looming quietly; a silent, solid lifeline behind the man coming apart before him.

 

“No matter what I achieve now, in the future, if I even have one,” he says, stumbling over the words, “no matter how I rebuild, what I become, I will always wonder what I could have been…”

 

Kylo holds his breath as Hux takes a deep mouthful of air.

 

“I will always wonder how much greater I could have been, if this had not happened. I will always wonder, for the _rest of my life_ , no matter how short that may be,” and he says it with a wry smile the worries Kylo; he knows because can see the edges of Hux’s jaw pull up, even in the dark.

 

“I will always wonder what my life could – _should_ ­– have been like, were Starkiller not lost. And, Ren,” he adds quietly, voice so low that Kylo has to strain to hear, “I do not know if I can live with that kind of regret.”

 

Admission made, the full extent of his shameful weakness laid bare, Hux bows his head, and Kylo would think he was praying, were Hux a religious man. But he knows he isn’t, so Kylo says the words for him, silently entreating the Force to intervene, to save this man from guilt and pain. To restore his good name. And then it comes to him.

 

“You could kill me.” Kylo says it matter of fact, allowing no emotion to bleed into the words, and he thinks, ironically, that he has finally achieved control, only to die momentarily. There is probably some kind of primal justice in that, he thinks.

 

But Hux – Hux does not react as Kylo would have expected. Not at all.

 

“WHAT?!” he roars, and Kylo is gratified to see that the gleam has returned to the general’s eyes. Almost cowed, in fact, at the rage he displays, moving his arms and gesticulating wildly as he yells.

 

“After everything I did for you, all that I _sacrificed_ to save you, and this is how you would repay me?” He spits the words into Kylo’s face, maskless and exposed in the privacy of Hux’s rooms.

 

Kylo takes a step back, stammering, _confused._ He’s doing this to save Hux, to restore his reputation, to – to _repay_ him, thank him for everything he’s done. He can’t understand why Hux is so angry.

 

Hux follows him, matching each backward step Kylo takes with an advancing one of his own. Finally, Kylo runs out of room; his back is pressed up against the wardrobe, and Hux _looms_ , fire in his eyes and anger written all over his face. He tenses his jaw before he speaks, low and brutal.

 

“You _imbecile,_ is there _nothing_ you know of the world?” he asks, tone ruthless and mean.

Kylo doesn’t know how to respond. Hux is so _close_ ; he can feel the heat coming off his body, can feel the spit hitting his face as Hux screams.

 

“ _You. Are. A. Child.”_ Hux punctuates each word with a snarl, pressing himself even further into Kylo’s space. And then, unexpectedly, Hux raises his right arm, grabs Kylo’s face, and brings their mouths together.

 

Hux kisses him roughly, with his burning eyes open, aware of the consequences but _damn them_. This could be their last chance. Snoke will most likely kill both of them, and even if he doesn’t, their lives as they know them are pretty much over anyway. So he says _fuck it_ , and he must’ve growled it out loud, because Kylo freezes for a moment, before clutching tightly at Hux’s waist, pulling him in until every part of their bodies is touching, from feet to forehead and everything in between pressed together tightly.

 

“If this is death,” Kylo rasps against Hux’s ear, “then I _don’t care_.” That snaps Hux out of it. Everything, _everything_ he has done since the moment Starkiller became unstable has been for this man. Hux knows his life is forfeit, has been since the moment the scavenger girl set foot on his planet, but Kylo, _Kylo_ still has a chance. A life he could pull together from the scraps and the rubble. Hux will _not_ let him throw it away.

 

Angry again, Hux rips himself away from Kylo, stalking to the window, shaking with emotion he has never had to contend with. Kylo, behind him, is shaking, too – Hux can _hear_ it, because Kylo is still slumped against the wardrobe, sending shivers through it. Actually, most of the room is vibrating at a low frequency right now, and Hux recognizes this as a precursor to one of Kylo’s tantrums, a sign that he is losing control. Well, if Kylo is going to destroy it all in a fit of rage anyway, then Hux figures he might as well say it.

 

“I love you.” He says it matter of fact, like it’s something he says everyday, even though he has never once uttered those words in his entire life.

 

The lamp Kylo had been levitating drops back into place.

 

“ _What_?” he says, and Hux can’t read the tone. He shrugs. If he’s going down with his ship, he might as well do it with dignity.

 

“I said I love you,” he repeats, and then turns away, unwilling to see the fury he knows will be in Kylo’s eyes.

 

The room goes deadly silent, and even the air seems to stand still. Hux braces himself for it; the destruction of his life is almost complete. He almost welcomes it. The _relief_ he feels, knowing it will soon all be over, and he can finally rest. He’s tired, so _tired_. Of all of it. He can feel Kylo as he starts across the room toward him; Hux bows his head.

 

Kylo explodes.

 

“You _idiot!_ ” he screams, and then continues on in a language Hux doesn’t understand; he thinks it might be a very old vernacular of Corellian. He’s heard some of the smugglers he’s imprisoned over the years use a similar shorthand, but he is also fairly sure that Kylo doesn’t realize he’s lapsed into using it; perhaps it’s his mother tongue? Hux doesn’t have much brainpower to devote to analysis after that, as Kylo’s screaming rapidly increases in pitch and ferocity.

 

Kylo is pink in the face when he finally grabs Hux’s shoulders and turns him around, and before Hux can brace himself for the punch he is sure is coming, Kylo is smashing their lips together and kissing him, bruising both of their mouths in the process.

 

It’s punishing, and impassioned, and all consuming – everything that is _them._ When Kylo finally pulls back, Hux is gasping, slumping a little, actually, but Kylo grabs his chin and forces their eyes to meet.

 

Black on blue, he says, “I love you, too, Armitage.”

 

Hux just stares at him, disbelief written in his features.

 

“I do,” Kylo assures him. “Deeply.”

 

“How? When? Wh-?” Hux starts, tripping over the words in his bewilderment, but Kylo cuts him off.

 

“Since sometime after I met you that first time on the _Finalizer’s_ hangar deck but before our first mission together on…what was that planet? Dathomir, maybe?” He considers for a moment before continuing, holding eye contact the whole time, and Hux is frozen. “Yes, Dathomir. I think it was when you took me down in that sparring session, actually, and didn’t apologize. You _gloated_ , actually,” Kylo laughs, real and low in his throat, and Hux thinks, fervently, _I want to live to hear that again._

He smiles at Kylo, who keeps talking. “I think you’re the first person I’ve ever met who hasn’t either been afraid of me, or wanted to use me for something. You treated me as your equal, and that meant something to me.”

 

It’s Hux’s turn to laugh now.

 

“Oh, Kylo,” he says. “I absolutely did _not_ consider you to be my equal. I thought you were beneath me, considered you an annoying little gnat, always flitting around my head, dressed in all black and _bothering_ me. But then…” he trails off, presses a sweet kiss to Kylo’s lips before continuing.

 

“Then, you proved yourself to me. I developed a grudging respect, and that turned into an odd sort of camaraderie, a _friendship_ even – I think you are my only friend on this ship, besides Captain Phasma, _maybe_ – and then after that, after I started to think of you in those terms, I realized it was actually something else entirely. And Heaven help me, I started to _need_ you, to rely on you, to want you when you weren’t there.” He stops, eyes flashing something Kylo has never seen before, something almost playful, and then he says, “I still want you.”

 

He cracks a smile, and it changes his whole face; he looks ten years younger, and he’s already so young for his rank that it makes him look nearly like a kid. All of the blood on his hands and responsibilities on his shoulders just fade away as he smiles. Kylo _loves_ it. Wants to see it again.

 

_“I want to live.”_

 

They both say it at the same time, and it surprises them.

 

Kylo has to admit, Force or not, he never saw this coming. But he _wants_ it. And Armitage Hux and Kylo Ren? They are not the kind of people who get anything less than what they want, _ever_.

 

Turning to look out the viewport at the kaleidoscope of stars rushing past them, Kylo says conversationally, “So, General. What’s our plan?”

 

Hux grins and grabs for his data pad.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
